Hello and welcome. It is Susan from myketaminestory.com.
As a brief summary, I write about my experiences and journey with Ketamine Therapy on my personal website, The Injection and Infusion Clinic of Albuquerque, and also for The Boise Ketamine Clinic. I have a long history with treatment resistant depression and anxiety disorders. My personal mental health care resume includes numerous failed medication cocktails, ECT, Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Talk Therapy and hospitalizations. I admit I understand how all of these treatments could potentially help, but they never did for me. It was a little over two and half years ago that I was introduced to Ketamine for depression. I am alive today because of a drug that is raising many questions and concerns from the professional world.
Once again I am compelled to write about the misconceptions regarding Ketamine being a cure for depression. It has been over the past several weeks that I have received multiple emails on the topic of Ketamine and its usage. What is even worse are the comments I read on the various Ketamine websites and social media sites. There have been angry messages left complaining about how Ketamine has to be administered regularly to work for depression. I don’t know about you, but I can not think of any medication that is a cure for an illness. I just doesn’t happen that way.
In the past, I have been on multiple medications. Medications that had to be taken daily. Medications that often had to be taken a couple times a day. And the side effects! Oh the side effects. Horrible. The relief was absolutely zero. I have found no cocktail or single medication has been a bit of difference for me. I would slide further and further away. Sinking into that seedy abyss. Lost to everyone around me; including myself. I have been hospitalized multiple times to ensure safety. I would work diligently to recover and gain back my life. It would take me years to gain back all I lost during these tragic descents. Only to have the cycle begin all over again. It was exhausting and utterly frustrating to never feel like you are progressing and healing. I never felt in control of my life. I felt I was continually a prisoner of my mind.
I was frequently lost.
Every day was a battle for me to stay.
It is painful to view the world around as such a negative and hateful place. A place I couldn’t participate in. I would watch people interacting and experiencing life and jealousy would consume me. Why could I only feel death calling me. Why couldn’t I find joy in anything. I have interests, hobbies, and goals just like my peers. I did. I just couldn’t ever find the desire to exit my bed or house and when I forced myself to engage in life I would end my day defeated and miserable.
It is no life.
A life without color.
A life heavy with regrets and suffering.
I became a great actress over the years. I tried to be optimistic. I did. I fought. I pretended. I wanted to fake it until I could make it through the darkness that threatened me daily. I used every ounce of my sanity to combat the demons trying to convince me that I was a terrible person, unworthy of existing. I lobbied all my resources, all that I was capable of reaching. I have acquired a huge arsenal of weapons against my mental illnesses. I attempted time and time again to gain more ground.
I would build myself a foundation. I would erect walls, thick walls, to keep away the devil insisting on calling my name. My support system would remind me how strong I was. How many, many occasions I have listened to others that loved me ask me to strive with all the passion in me to assault the mental circus clowns that used trickery to persuade me that I was weak. That they would always win.
And more lies.
Depression is a lying bastard that has no soul.
However deceitful the message was, I was a believer.
I had more confidence that the beast would succeed, and I would be another suicide statistic.
I didn’t see strength within. I saw a lost little girl crying. Crying for a life she would never be a part of.
It is a slow methodical death. It was an obsession.
I never felt strong.
I focused on avoidance. I compiled a list longer than Santa’s naughty or nice list on how to escape. They say that Thomas Edison never failed, he just found thousands of ways that didn’t work. He only had to find one way to make a light bulb work. He did. Could I?
In walks Ketamine.
I am now 45 years old.
Decades of failures.
It was almost too late.
Ketamine was the one.
I lacked faith.
I had no excess of hope remaining.
I gave up.
My family did not.
I have been treated with Ketamine for close to three years now. I gain.
I am gaining.
Ketamine is a medication that keeps the drudgery at bay.
Can I say that again?
Ketamine is a medication.
Ketamine is not a cure.
Ketamine aids me.
Ketamine is a band aid. It is over time that the bandage lossens and falls off. A replacement is needed; regularly. That is how a bandaid works, correct? I have never applied one and had it stick indefinitely.
Ketamine relieves the symptoms, making it nearly impossible for the nightmare to consume me. I still have to fight. I still have to search deep within and start the reprogramming. I need and want to hotwire my mind like a car thief. I am desperate to rewire and rebuild. I no longer have use for that beater car. I have my eyes on the luxury sedan. And I just might be closer to that goal than ever before. I long for that 1957 Corvette.
Ketamine, when given to me on a regular basis, frees me. I no longer have a clogged engine. I can see all the wires. I visit all sorts of junkyards from the past. I am picking up piece, by little piece, and rebuilding. I am no longer trying to assemble that first car. You know, that car that was always breaking down but I was stuck with because it was the only one available to me.
Ketamine has given me more options.
I set my goals high.
I want my Corvette. I am building it now. I realize that my dream car can’t be functional until I gain the knowledge on the parts needed to assemble it. Ketamine allows me the freedom to look around for what I need. The shell is constructed. I am fine tuning the inner workings. You know and I know building an automobile takes skill and knowledge. You have to locate all the missing components and gather them together in a logical manner, and in the process become a manufacturer or expert on Corvettes. Ketamine is a tool. It is a guide. It directs me. It pulls back the darkness and I can see all sorts of parts to investigate. Investigate I must. I know little about the intricate ways a car operates. I mean besides inserting a key to start my vehicle. I have learned through my pain the necessity for oil changes and gas, but my ability to perform these simple tasks was limited by the incessant chatter in my head directing me incorrectly. Ketamine has given me the car manual. I am now reading and learning all about my Corvette. The oil stills needs refreshing, but I am now capable of fixing my inaccurate notes. I have hope that one day I can rid myself of that college car that was constantly breaking down and replace it with that shiny new 1957 model.
I have hope.
I will rebuild.
I can rebuild.
I can see all the parts and I am learning their functions. Ketamine suppresses the confusion screaming for my attention. I am able to recognize when my notes get sloppy and the circus begins.
I return to the topic at hand. Is Ketamine a cure for Treatment Resistant Depression?
I ask you this question. Do you think when I get my Sting Ray running that it will never need gas?
Ketamine has gifted me with an inner understanding of my Corvette; aka my suicidal depression. It repeatedly aids me when I am in my garage building. It is exhausting work. I am learning a new skill. I am often clouded by my lack of knowledge, my misconceptions and false beliefs. It gets so dark sometimes that I still can’t see my notes. I return to the car dealership for clarification and reassurance. I am so grateful to know the way to the experts. Ketamine is my mechanic. I visit him weekly or biweekly depending on my needs. Ketamine calms me. It gives me hope that one day I will be driving down the highway with the sun above me and the wind briskly blowing through my hair. I am absorbed with the delight of believing in this view of my future.
Ketamine is Hope.
Ketamine is not a cure.
Why is it that people insist on believing their cars don’t need gas? Why is it that in the past they would utilize multiple additives to get moving but now want a super octane fuel injected 6 times so they can hit the freeway at 120 miles an hour? Is that realistic? If in the past you needed refills daily, why believe that now, with Ketamine, you would only require a few visits to the mechanic? Why?
Routine maintenance is needed for every car on the road to function and operate. This is definitely the case if you have been commuting through your life with an unreliable source of transportation. Depression damages the ability to drive. Depression robs you of your keys. You can’t drive a car if you have no way to start the engine.
In my past, I have searched diligently for the manual to my classic Chevy; without success. I would dig deep. I would rummage through the broken parts and try to force them to work, to fit. Only, I was using Ford parts and treatments on my limited edition sports car. It is no wonder why I kept calling new mechanics to help me discover why I could never turn my car over. It would just sputter and die. I would crash and burn in my confusion. The lights in my garage would constantly flicker and fade, leaving me longing for a different car, but my heart has been so set on that red and white beauty. It hurt.
So much time and money wasted.
That was until my support team or pit crew discovered a better way for me to repair, operate, and enjoy the process of rebuilding. To believe in that dream that one day I will have my 1957 Corvette to race around the track without incident. I am not a fool. I know that once my car engages and increase speed I am going to need replacement tires and gas. I try to think of Ketamine therapy as my pit stop. It can be frustrating. My ideal car needs special attention. Love. It needs to be treated. Often. There are a variety of cars out on the road today. There are electric cars that need to be charged. Ketamine is my battery. I need to plug into an outlet and recharge. There are cars that are newer and don’t require you to refill them as frequently. They have a huge reservoir to store gas in. They are fortunate. My gas tank is small. It makes demands. I pay attention. I give it the proper fuel and attention. I must do this routinely. I am grateful that I no longer own that beater car. I am blessed to have had help.
I am grateful that Ketamine provides me with the essentials.
Ketamine is my gas.
Ketamine is my battery charger.
I am not delusional. My car needs these elements to function. I am okay with that aspect of ownership. The main reason I push forward with my project is solely due to chucking the defective parts that won’t keep my dream alive. I can do this with the aid of Ketamine. I don’t ask the Ketamine to be more than it is. Fuel to keep my car out of the garage. It can be costly. It can be disappointing to run out of car in a traffic jam. I fight now to keep focused on the long term goals. I succeed. I falter.
I am learning a new skill. Starting from scratch. I have many manuals in my bookcase, but only the one with the name 1957 Corvette keeps me studying the pages and absorbing the details.
I will run out of gas. I get resentful of not being able to predict when my tank will empty. Ketamine can be like driving a car without a gas tank gauge. I get bitter. I expect so much of myself and that manual. I get the facts wrong. I try again. I want to throw in the towel and wash my hands of the dirt and grim but can’t. I know it is temporary. This negativity and desire to surrender to the old messages can be brutal.
I have the correct car manual now. I am rebuilding.
I need Ketamine the same way a car needs gas.
So, once again I ask you, is it realistic to think your car won’t need to stop at a gas station once all the parts are operational? If you have been giving yourself various additives in the form of psychopharmaceuticals without triumph, what makes you believe one product will satisfy and never be needed again?
Ketamine offers the right formula for those that have had no reaction to other forms of treatment. If the traditional therapies failed you and left you stranded, Ketamine may be the medication for you. Please note that you will be required, in most cases, to get maintenance. You are a special type of luxury car and you may be obligated to treat your vehicle with the utmost respect and care. Repeatedly.
I hope this blog will clear up any confusion people have regarding the vague writings out there on Ketamine therapy and its ability to help sufferers live life outside their darkened, frightful cave.
Ketamine is an aid. It is gasoline. It sparks the mind and makes the connection needed to jumpstart your car, but it doesn’t deserve the label, cure. It just doesn’t. It is an injustice to those, like me, suffering with treatment resistant depression. We have been lied to over and over again. I know I have been. I was instructed to take numerous medications and keep track of dosing and side effects. I followed along mindlessly. I would complain or be hospitalized when the medication cocktails failed. I was asked to give these medications more time. Years of stopping and starting the newest treatments available on the market. That was asking too much of me. How do you get a person to believe that in four to six weeks they will get relief? How is it fair to ask a person that has had no reaction to a mixture of drugs to hold on, this medication will do the trick. It will work. And it never has.
The exciting thing about Ketamine is relief is often immediate. It is fast acting.
I believe this is where the confusion begins. It appears to be a miracle after decades of failed therapies. People are responding. Does that mean Ketamine is a cure?
I believe the definition of a cure is as follows:
Cure: something (such as a drug or medical treatment) that stops a disease and makes someone healthy again. It is something that ends a problem or a bad situation. It is the act of making someone healthy again after an illness.
Ketamine improves the symptoms of Treatment Resistant Depression, but in no way has it been my experience that Ketamine stops the disease altogether. It is not a permanent fix. It makes it possible to perceive the world around you in a positive light. It lifts the heaviness of depression. It has allowed me to silence the noise that threatens to annihilate my existence.
I feel that so much more education is still needed where the discussion of Ketamine is involved. This is one reason I continue to share my experiences and discoveries through my writings.
I continue to investigate and gain ground.
Ketamine is my tool. It is my aid. It rarely disappoints in its ability to quiet the voices and bless me with days, many days, of relief. I have not been fortunate to experience this type of independence from my debilitating illnesses with any other treatments. I believe it is a remarkable medication. Medication.
Ketamine is an antidepressant. It is not a cure.
There is definitely a need for celebration. If only more practitioners could administer this phenomenal drug, I believe many sufferers could richly benefit.
One medication that provides a week or more of relief. That has been unheard of in the mental health community. It is very exciting. Promising.
Just try not to expect 100% indefinite relief. You may be disappointed. However, have you ever experienced a major shift in your symptoms from just six pills? Probably not. In many cases, we are on a variety of medications daily with little to no relief from the monster stealing our attention. The horrendous nonstop illusion. Depression speaks only a deceitful language that we believe because it is extremely convincing.
Ketamine offers hope and relief. It doesn’t, in most cases, offer a long term reprieve from mental illnesses.
If you are interested in educating yourself on Ketamine therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression, check out the four-part series I wrote answering questions about Ketamine use, based on my experience with Ketamine therapy over the past 2.5 years, for The Injection & Infusion Clinic of ABQ.
My first blog, Ketamine: Addressing Questions & Concerns focused on my early experience with Ketamine Infusions.
In part two of the series, Addressing Questions & Concerns About Ketamine Therapy for Treatment Resistant Depression I addressed questions and concerns about Intramuscular Ketamine verses Ketamine Infusion therapy.
In my third blog, Frequently Asked Questions: Redefining Depression With The Assistance Of Ketamine Therapy, I was a bit more random. I had emails with several questions and themes, and I addressed as many inquiries as I could.
In my final question and answer dialogue, Pondering Concerns & Questions: The Benefits Of Ketamine For Treatment Resistant Depression, I discussed research, clinical studies, and the need for changes to occur within our insurance companies and federal government so that maybe one day Ketamine will not be so difficult to afford or obtain, from any qualified professional.
I hope these personal blogs from a patient that suffered for over four decades with treatment resistant depression will be helpful in convincing you why Ketamine could help you. Also, if you would like to become a provider of Ketamine Therapy try enrolling in The Ketamine Academy’s online Ketamine Infusion Therapy training course; it is an excellent decision. The Ketamine Academy online program will surely benefit you and the mental health community.
In conclusion, If you know of anyone suffering with treatment resistant depression, like I do, let them know that Ketamine therapy may be an option worth looking into. It has been and continues to offer me relief from my symptoms. If you, or someone you know, are considering Ketamine infusion therapy, please visit Jason Duprat’s Ketamine clinic at www.infusionclinicabq.com for low cost ketamine infusion and injection options. If you are not in the Albuquerque, New Mexico area I also suggest approaching a local professional and start educating them on the benefits of Ketamine. Again, it doesn’t hurt to ask for what you need.
I have been generating a Ketamine Providers and Locations list and I update it regularly. The provider list can be found here and on my personal website. This list may help you find a clinic in your city or state.
Feel free to visit The Ketamine Academy to enroll in your dream today. If you are fascinated, but not yet ready to commit, I recommend the free trial to help you determine whether you want to invest in yourself and in this is new online ketamine infusion training course. Just think, if you enrolled in The Ketamine Academy your new clinic could easily be added to my directory for the grand opening!
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